BYOOBD
Try this. Turn the key to the point where the battery engages, but the engine does not turn over (about ¾ of the way around). Cycle the odometer over to “Trip B” (that is, not the regular “total mileage” reading, or the first “trip counter”, but rather the second “trip counter”). Press the odometer pin and hold it while you start your car. Presto, you’re welcome! You’ve just successfully turned off your check engine light.
Today’s modern vehicles, and actually all vehicles built after 1965, come with the automotive equivalent of your neighbor’s dog. You know, the one that barks at odd times for no apparent reason? That high pitched yelp that you are powerless to stifle? Your car comes with one of those too, it’s a little light that illuminates at random intervals with the message “check engine”.
My car is so fancy that it has a “maintenance required”, in addition to the “check engine” light. One is yellow and the other is orange, but since neither are red I don’t pay much attention to either of them. If they ever came on at the same time, I might take them seriously ; well, more likely I’d dismiss it as an electrical problem and go on a tear about why today’s cars need such fancy computers, but I digress.
I’m guessing that Honda actually means “have your engine checked”. Either way, I’m rarely in the mood to add to my to-do list based on a cue from a light bulb (regardless of the color).
So what should you do when this light comes on? First, try the trick I mentioned in the opening paragraph. This will not work on all cars (mine included), however, I have it on good authority that it will solve the “check engine” problem in most cases. If you’re like me, and find yourself driving a car that is immune to this wonderful human/automobile communication device, not to worry; I have a few more suggestions on dealing with this quandary.
Treat it like a minor inconvenience and ignore it. How many uncomfortable issues are you dealing with right now by simply ignoring them? Presently I am ignoring an itchy back, the fact that I need to go to the bathroom, a messy apartment, tomorrow’s recycling, the dust on my phone, seasonal allergies, and the stack of account statements that sit in a pile under my desk because it no longer fits in the file cabinet. I am ignoring all these things simultaneously, at this exact moment, from right inside my office! I dare say that adding the check engine light to this set of issues will not be the straw that broke the camel’s back.
In lap 23 of the Daytona 500, Steve Grissom's "check engine" light came on.
OK, but what if you need a more permanent solution? Treat it like you would an abomination and deny its existence. This is a more advanced form of ignoring. Like the broken hearted lover who pretends their ex is dead, or the Christian fundamentalist who refuses to read about evolution, or the fourth grader who pretends not to like candy for whatever reason a fourth grader might have to not want to like candy. If you are one who can compete at the Olympic level of mental gymnastics that is self enforced denial, give it a try.
Humans are the only animal with this capacity for denial. You wouldn’t see a dog denying that food is on the table just because they can’t have it. Birds don’t fool themselves into thinking that they are pushing their young out of the nest based on a “tough love” strategy they heard about on Dr. Phil. A fish does not deny that they enjoy swimming through tiny little castles adorned with hilarious signs like “no fishing”, nay, to do so would be unnatural. But man has been blessed with this capacity for denial and should therefore learn to employ it as a defense against that which does not please him.
To deny the existence of your check engine light, start slow. Pretend, at first, that it is simply coming on because you just started the car. Tell yourself that, in your car, the check engine light stays on for a few seconds after the car has been turned on. With any luck you will forget to recheck the light later on and voila: problem solved. If you do happen to notice the light during your travel (and are consequently in danger of being pulled out of your blissful state) try pretending that while it may say “check engine” it means something else; like “drive safe”, or “keep up the good work”. With practice you’ll be driving on a higher plain of existence in no time, and hey “keep up the good work”!
Fine, so you’re one of those people who can’t seem to get behind the principle of self delusion (paradoxically then, you’re probably better at this skill than most, but to explain that is beyond the scope of this article) and must deal with a problem head on, then treat it like a bully and attack it. Bullies, at their core, are weak. They need to pick on someone in order to enhance (or maintain) their own self esteem. Show the bully that you are not the right person to pick on; fight back.
The source of the bully’s power is generally their size or strength. You must find a way to attack this source of power by either building up your own strength, using advanced fighting techniques, or investing in some low grade rat poison. Properly applied, any of the previous methods will effectively counteract the bullies power.
What is the source of power for your check engine light? Well, of course the true source is the battery, but you can’t very well attack the battery for reasons laid out in the landmark case Spite Vs. Face. No, there is a better way; you can remove the fuse! Most idiot lights have a common fuse that can be taken out; check the owner’s manual for the location of yours. If that fails, you can also attack the wire that carries electricity to the light or even the bulb itself.
OK, so messing around with basic electrical functions in your car isn’t your thing. Why not treat it like a carpet stain and cover it up. You know when you spill grape juice on a white carpet, and two days later a large houseplant can be found covering the sin? Apply the same principle here. A well placed piece of electrical tape will blend in nicely with most dashes. If you don’t have any electrical tape, try putting a picture of your child over the light.
Our final remedy, failing all else it to treat it like an unknown disease and attack the symptom. Suppose for instance that I’m coughing. What do I do? I go to the pharmacy and get some cough syrup. Now I’m not coughing. Problem solved. In the end, who cares why I was coughing in the first place? I was coughing, now I’m not, end of story.
The “check engine” light analog to this is similarly uncomplicated. Next time you go to get your oil changed, ask the technician to turn the light off. Most of them will gladly comply without further discussion. Suppose you get some hot shot lube jockey who thinks he’s Frank Fucking Stoddard, asking you if there is indeed something wrong with your engine? Just tell them that you’ve had it checked out and you think the light is broken. If he persists, take your car to another service station.
So there you have it. Several ways to get that light turned off all without ever actually checking the engine. “Keep up the good work!”